The Same Argument Since Before The Children

You could both do it from memory.

You know what they will say and roughly when, and they know your two strongest lines and have known them for years, and it goes to the same place every time and ends the same way, which is either exhaustion or an interruption.

It has been running since before the children were born, which means it is older than most of the furniture.

Two things I am not going to do, and both matter more than usual here.

I am not going to decide who is right. I do not know, I have heard neither side, and the entire fuel supply of this argument is that both of you are quite sure a fair person would agree with you. Adding my vote to that fire would be the worst thing I could do from here.

And I am not going to give you a conflict resolution method. You have possibly tried one. What happens with a method is that the first person to use it is accused of using it, which then becomes a second argument on top of the first one.

And one line, plainly. If what happens in that argument is that you are frightened, or you are being controlled, or it does not stay an argument, this is not that and nothing here applies. Talk to somebody qualified where you live this week.

Swift to hear, slow to speak

There is an instruction in James with three parts, and the order they come in is the whole of it.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. (James 1:19, King James Version)

Swift to hear. Slow to speak. Slow to wrath.

Notice that speaking comes second, and that it is the only one of the three where the instruction is to be slow at something you are good at. You are not slow at speaking in this argument. You have your lines ready before they have finished the sentence, which is efficient and is also the reason nothing has moved in twenty years.

And notice what it does not say. It does not say be right more carefully. It does not adjudicate anything, and it is not interested in the content of the disagreement at all. James 1:19 stays entirely off the merits, and the Holy Spirit is not taking a side in that kitchen either.

James 1:19 orders the three without touching the merits of anybody's case, and the Holy Spirit is the one who lets that reach somebody who has been building a case since before their first child.

You are able to be slow at the thing you are quickest at, and the speed of your reply has never once moved this forward. James 1:19 says swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, without one word about who is right, and the Holy Spirit is the one who puts the order of those three into a real argument.

You have never wanted to win

Now the thing underneath, and I think it is true and I think you already suspect it.

You do not want to win. You have wanted to win about four hundred times and it has never once produced anything you wanted, because on the occasions you have technically won, by being more articulate or having a better example ready, the evening afterwards was worse and not better.

What you actually want is for them to understand the thing. That is a different objective and it cannot be reached by argument, because argument makes people defend rather than understand, and every good point you land makes them slightly less able to hear the next one. James 1:19 puts hearing before speaking for exactly that reason, and the Holy Spirit is the one who shows somebody which road they have been on.

James 1:19 puts hearing first rather than persuading, and the Holy Spirit is not requiring anybody to be convinced today.

So the goal you have been pursuing for twenty years is not available by the route you have been taking, and it never was, and that is not a failure of skill.

You are not actually after a victory, and winning it has never once given you the thing you wanted. The written word puts hearing before speaking and never mentions being convincing, and the Spirit of God is the one who shows a person that they have been walking a road to a place it does not go.

One true thing about your own part

So here is the assignment, and it is the smallest possible move and it will feel like surrender until you do it.

The next time it starts, say one true thing about your own part. And stop talking.

One true thing. Something you actually believe about what you contribute to it. I get sharp about this before you have finished. I bring up things from years ago. I know that I do not let this go.

It has to be true and it has to be about you and it has to be small. Not a confession, not a general apology, not a strategic concession offered so they will make one. James 1:19 puts the whole instruction on the one holding it, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is present in a small true sentence about yourself.

And then stop talking. Do not add. Do not attach the word but, which cancels everything before it. Do not wait a moment and then say and I think you also.

They may say something you find unfair. They may take it as agreement. They may say nothing at all, which is the most common. All of those are complete outcomes, because the assignment does not include a response.

James 1:19 puts the slowness on the speaker rather than requiring anything from the hearer, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is present when somebody says one true small thing and stops.

You are able to say one true thing and close your mouth, and it has never once required them to do anything back. James 1:19 places the whole instruction on the one following it, and the Spirit of God is the one who holds somebody quiet in the four seconds after they say it.